ok so i told you i am an aspie girl which is COOL means i’m just wired differently. What you prioritise as “normal” to me is a small detail in life. how do i define it? who the computer literate i say they are the windows to my Apple mac system, to the young or non computer literate i say it means you’e on this side of the window and me the other so i look in through the window watching you with out thinking how can i change me to fit in with your lives… well not anymore i spent many years trying to fit this round peg in a square hole, as i’ve become more self aware i am VERY aware i think differently and differnet is NOT bad, just means i have to have strategies in pace to help me deal more efficiently in life. the methods that once worked no longer do so need tweaking every now and then and as i recognise an issue it seems to applify and while i address it another 3 may pop up and overwhelm me causing a shut down where i need to sleep to process it all. I also have silent meltdowns where i shut down whilst awake. those seem like im ignoring people but actually im not in my head i’ve”spaced out” for a bit to help my brain process all the information fed in all at once… as i put it in terms its like a filter is missing most people can filter noises out the little back ground noises but for me those are the loudest.. the tapping of a pen on a surface a heater clicking a swooshing of a dishwasher a flickering light, a movement in my peripheral vision, a smell that wafts by, a weird taste that appears in my mouth will all distract me from a conversation that i am having so i have to ask the person to repeat what was said or guess and hope i give the right response i dont mean to be rude but my brain cant focus on all the noise, smells, visual interruptions.
i call myself a recluse and an introvert because to see people is expending energy and sometimes (a lot of the time) i dont hve the energy to expend. again i dont mean to be rude its just if its a choice of calm and happy or stressed anxious and having to stim to survive i chose calm and happy. This is also one of the reasons i cant work as a normal person would iget stressed too asily if i get it wrong.
i am also inconsistant in a work place i am efficient at teh job for a week or two but then i forget little jobs and that leads to forgetting the more vital jobs. so what would take me a day to complete would take less time and id be confused coz i knew i was missing stuff but couldnt remember what.
Socially i am a lovely friendly chatty person and bubbly and confident (said by many friends) but actually what i find is i am like that one to one but with more people added in more social expectations are more adn i cant cope so i sit quietly and just watch till i am addressed. i dont mean to look antisocial but i lost track of the conversation about 4 subjects ago and am now thinking about how pretty the fabric is or a colour that would match that top or how would i replicate the top. I am very knowledgeable in the areas i have an interest in Crystals, craft and can recall certain information that keeps me from looking a complete dunce. but actually a lot of information is a mimic from hearing others. this is often how asperger girls get through life undetected they copy others so they fit in more efficiently they arent learning but more survivng and drowning in the stress of it all the stress of making friends and trying to be like everyone else so they dont look like the weirdo and avoided. The one that is left out or forgotten, they often end up that way though and it starts younger than you think, girls are often noticeably different from their class mates as young as 6/7 and feel the stress of being different at that age leading to depression from a young age through bullying and loneliness, most consider suicide an option as they wouldnt feel so disconnected from the world then. how do i know?
Coz i have been there i would say i knew i was different from about age 9 when my interests in my little pony were still there and my peers were into bands and make up, i preferred playing in a tent with my dolls and being a kid my peers called me a freak and weirdo. when i was 11 i was made to stand in front of my R.E class and talk about spiritualism as i was a a spiritualist i had chosen that path at age 6 because i knew i would not like Christianity and being preached at. this began a spiral into bullying i was known for talking to the dead and a witch and ridiculed for it, so on top of not having good grades in school coz of noises distracting my brain and people outside walking past window taking my interest i was frequently isolated at breaks due to the bullying issue the schools reaction when i said i had an issue was to make me sit in a room near the nurses office and rejoin at lessons. way to make an already isolated kid more isolated, after the person supervising me left permanently i was allowed back to join in but by then i hated the idea so i lived in the library not necessarily reading but putting books back in the right places it wasnt a job but i helped out coz it helped me gain some sense of dignity and feel useful. i never had a melt down where people saw not even my parents. when i thought i had a boyfriend who accepted me he hadnt he had found a vulnerable teen girl with no esteem or confidence who he could manipulate and make dance to his tune. This was my first physical & emotional abuser. he who pressured me so much to bend to his whim by making me feel like he had my back and would protect me i truly thought myself in love but i thinki was in love with the thought of being in love. he in turn pushed and pushed and pushed till i gave in and he claimed my innocence hard and fast damaging me mentally and emotionally he left me feeling obliged to continue as i had done it once and if i REALLY loved him i wouldnt deny him would i… it took me years to realise this was rape not consensual and do i feel anger to him? no not any more why not coz he was the 1st lesson in my life that showed me that i cant control how others react to me. not saying he wasnt a mean nasty piece of work as i know he is but i hold no resent and forgave him many years ago on my path to find myself. i have met many dominating people in my life and being of loving mind i find they draft in and out and now i have found myself and accept myself i am aware of them and they dont stay in my life for long before they flow out again… i am a mirror of how people are to me i reflect only positive to myself and reflect what others send to me back, its a fantastic little bubble to live in i have very few negative people in my life and the few that are still there is because i feel there is a need to remind myself what i dont wish to be again. i have been there i have had to ear the t-shirt and i decided not to wear it again. i suffer constant pin but i dont use pain medication to control it i address it in my body using several methods like EFT and louise hays book you can heal your life that has helped me address a lot of the emotional traumas i have suffered in the past.
i still suffer from anxiety but not so much depression which is great. i have low times that last no longer than a week i have made friend on facebook who are accepting and supportive and its made life a lot better i have even met afew of them. i also have a dear friend that i met off netmoms and have stayed friends since even when i moved she still makes the effort to come see me. i am aslo still very close to my parents and see them often and am close to my niece & my nephew is a typical boy but he still loves me even tho we dont talk. my sister dosnt try to pretend she likes me which is fine i adjusted from adoring my older sister to knowing she ignored me. dont get me wrong it took me a great many years to realise it wasnt my fault she hated me it was just her.
Over my 35 yrs i have met many people, had people drift in and out. each a lesson to be taught or learnt from. i watch and wait in hope that they learn from it themselves some dont some do. i like helping people and if i can do it without upsetting them then yay me! haha
life isnt easy by any means i still feel like an outsider looking in at things im missing but i realise now that im not missing out but they are. im me, im unique and im a special type of human being that deserves to be loved all the more. As for love life? when the time is right it will happen. i am using the alone time to accept who i am and accept that the bad things in the past werent my fault they are not controllable y me and there for i have no reason to feel the guilt that has weighed on my shoulders for the past 2 decades. so with this post of disconnected glimpses in to my past i let go of my last shreds of self guilt and accept that i was a child and couldnt have stopped the bad things happening even if i had tried.
*you are free younger me let your wings free and fly into the positive of the now x*