I was chatting to my mate Lee (from http://pinkybellesshed.co.uk/) last night and i showed her the “new” journal i had started inking up n showed her my colourings and quotes and then where i got to on the last one which happened to be a section on “FAT” now i hate the word but it is one of the most common words used to describe a larger person (i.e. me!). She said Hey you should blog about it as a PLUS size blog… well yep i am plus sized but i have no intentions of solely focusing on that coz i have a short attention span with my add and aspergers 😀
so anyways i thought i wud shre what i had done for the section as it helped me get it out and although i am still comfort eating i tend to be worse when its the monthly nightmare hahaa i dont really do the excessive fizzy, etc… my downfall is sweets especially choc hahaah SAW that coming didnt u 😛
I have always known i was big even when i wasnt! plenty of people point it out often from a young age… things like chunky monkey, thunder thighs and the likes…. now i have worked hard on the Louise hay “you can heal your life” (FANTASTIC book i would recommend it to anyone) on these past comments and addressed each one as it came up and let it go i know who had said what and although they deny it it doesnt matter i knew they had just coz it was said about 30yrs ago didnt make it impact any less that if they had said it 2 years ago.. In fact id say it impacts work coz you are young impressionable and learn fast that unless you are slim names will hit u from all directions… plus having aspergers means u are a literal person so it isnt a “JOKE” its a FACT to us… not fair or fun but how you see us therefore must be the truth. ANYWAYS
i had at the time of thinking of the subject found a few inspirational quotes that i had added in before writing this big old “psychological” breakdown on my version of the word…
Be proud of your CURVES!
and Learn to LOVE your body in ALL its greatness!
Now it would be easy to roll into a chat about how i got to where i am 2day but truth be known the stories arent always nice and explaining them isnt easy not coz it hurts because it doesnt any more )im very matter of fact and diengaged from them now, but who wants to read about an abusive history of rape emotional financial and physical abuse!) having aspergers makes me a lil mre vulnerable than most to the nasties of the world so its easier to leave it at that… i have had MORE than my fair share of bullies and backstabbers users and plain old nasties… Needless to say FOOD is a sensory stimultion to escape from the noise in my head and therefore i am large…
see told you it wud get messy hahahaha….
well… one day i had the URGE to write it down,
The Journey Starts with the 1st step. FIGHT FOR THOUGHT
ooo i thought to myself thems powerfu words, hmmmm whats next…. and out it flowed….
FAT is a THOUGHT not a FEELING! (we can change thoughts)
NOW aint that the truth! the more i thought, the more it dawned on me; it was an old belief pattern that i FELT fat not that i THOUGHT that i was fat… at the age of 14 i thought i was MASSIVE but 6 yrs later i looked at an old photo and thought i was shapely yes but i was actually a stunning shape [perfect hourglass figure] long dark blonde hair… but i thought i had lost it for good so gave up on ever being like that again… so i continued to write on that page, “Not all feelings benefit you but all are valid and acceptable… It is acceptable to release the feelings safely hen not benefitting you!”
So i began to think about what FAT meant to me…
what is fat?
THe wobbly bits; double chin, tummy, thighs, arms, boobs, bum….
why do i hold on to it?
grounding to hold me down here so i dont float way (i “zone” out alot)
to HIDE – hide from those drawn to my light (been hurt a lot)
because i cant remember being slim only big (hmmmm perception has always been i’m bigger than my sister (whos 5yrs older than me) therefore i must be BIG)
because i dont know how to let go only how to hold on (now i STILL struggle with this concept regularly everyday without fail)
because its tactile and feels odd to touch – almost unreal
What Benefits does it give you?
hides my true for, although not a PROPER benefit, it has hidden me from the radar of many (GOOD and bad)
As there are NO defined benefits how do i see myself?
In my mind i do not see my body in the physical and do not “feel” huge, i do not really acknowledge my size except in relation to my clothes.
Looking in the mirror i someone i recognise as myself but do not see as ME. I see the roundness of the body the oversize clothes to hide the lumps and bumps. i see many faults but dismiss them as i know its not what i see with my heart, it the SOCIAL (society’s) voice speaking.
Will letting go benefit me?
Yes… it will benefit me both physically and emotionally. it will lesson the pressure on my joints and organs as well as boost my esteem (hopefully) knowing that the guilty eating and fear no longer control me!
I know it will not benefit me mentally as it is the negative thinking thaaat i need to release to improve that but one step at a time…
By letting go of the weight that”holds” me to the physical plain, i am not letting go of my hold here just the unnecessary thought patterns and unreal image of being heavy grounds you.
how can i release it?
I dont care to be skinny or slim but i’d like to be ME & FREE!
THINK IT OFF!
Free From guilt
– being a disappointment
– letting myself down
– letting parents down
– letting monkey down
– over self
– feeling like i have to more than me!
I am ENOUGH
I am ENOUGH
I am ENough
I REAAALLY am ENOUGH!
That was where i ended… i am renown with those who know and love me that i dont have the best track record for keeping a routine or remembering to fill things out or do things even if it will befit me… it is not deliberate i have set alarms booked it in as appointment and all sorts but unless someone points it out to me i forget… even blogging… this is my 2nd or 3rd or 4th attempt at this hahahaa
Now i know that many of you wont have it resound in you but some may and even if my post resounds with one person and you realise you are not alone than i have given u a hand to hold and share the experience with 😀 this to me is more important than reaching the masses because no matter who you are YOU ARE IMPORTANT AND YOU ARE TRUELY LOVED RIGHT AT THIS SECOND>>> YOU ARE NEVER ALONE IN THIS JOURNEYxxxx
p.s. please forgive any shortened wording or typos… no-one is perfect 😀